powerless.
I have a second procedure tomorrow morning. During my initial surgery, there were issues with my circulation and blood flow. Because some arteries needed rerouting, they had to put in some temporary sutures that now need to be shored up and made permanent.
So, my brother is taking me to the surgical center at 6:15 for my 8:15 surgery. I've been told over and over that the procedure is "no big deal" and "about 45 minutes". However, at this point, any surgery is a big deal.
Over the last few weeks, my body has felt distant and unfamiliar. When I weighed the pros and cons of this procedure, I did not account for the fact that so much of my bodily autonomy would be given away. I wouldn't call myself controlling, but I am terrified of being powerless.
That is what this whole process is. If I had to describe how I feel right now using only one word, POWERLESS is that word.
I cannot wear the clothes that I want to.
I cannot rest.
I cannot find comfort.
I cannot work.
In THIS moment of MY recovery, I am powerless.